the truth

recent events have gone from bad to funny.

it's funny that we are accused of embezzling by the one person who would know that we absolutely did not do anything of the sort. the one person who has seen us work all hours to frantically make ends meet.

i have never been on the iheartnoise board until yesterday. and i will not go on it again.

despite the initial feelings of betrayal and justified outrage at the false accusations put forth by someone who i thought was family, i realize that this issue of ownership of the p.a. has been contentious since this place started.

the p.a. has always been someone else's. we have been reminded of this daily, and it has been used to support all manner of power structures, which rightly were in place since it was after all, someone else's p.a. but after bob left with no word and his thumbprint on $90 cash that we gave him from a donation, i realized that he doesn't want us to have his p.a.

he agreed with me to a verbal contract of payment in the amount of $2700 with installments of $500 a month. as the person who is now responsible for the il corral, i thought that was expensive yes, but it would allow us to continue doing shows without any break, and bob was the most trusted person. i should have gotten it in writing i guess. i am naive.

i have never been accused of anything as gross as this. it is very confusing since bob has always wanted all the money to go to the house, yet when we try to sustain the place, the utilities and rent, through the income of the house, we are 'hippie capitalists'. when we have shows that don't make enough to cover the house, we eat it. the last show i booked for the noise community made $25 and i put in the other $25 to make the $50 for the house.

the most hilarious thing, which i think previously would have just destroyed me, are the personal attacks from total strangers - do they even have jobs... ha ha,... this is so funny. these people are operating on one lying email. and i have to say it - he lied. he lied publically to a significant number of people, and knowingly tried to bring us to our knees. and for what reason?

when it all comes down to it, after the $90 that bob left with after exiting our contract of friendship and business and everything imaginable, there is $30 from turn the screws remaining.

he lied knowingly about the money in a sloppy email and destroyed whatever future we could have had with him over $30.

i don't want to talk about these things. in the past i have only said positive things about bob, and thought that his moods were just something to be weathered since it was afterall his p.a. and i never imagined that he would have any reason to destroy this place, i thought he was the core, that he believed in what he was doing.

when i first started experiencing noise i thought it was a revolution. noise is just another genre. the people on that posting board are still bands with amps and tours and press and egos and dreams and faults. this place runs on money just like any other place, and when it comes down to it - the one with the money or the p.a. or will win. and that is what happened.

you can kick us and pull the plug and slander us all you want and we will still go on with the space because i do this for the ephemeral cause we all talk about. and people still need you to buy their merch don't they. revolution costs money doesn't it. wait, what kind of revolution are we talking about.

is it different because it is so esoteric and sounds like 'a fire alarm' to the passerby?

it is a genre that is built on the same structures of touring and getting your work out there and having people buy your label. the fact that no one gets paid, that the places who host these artists are struggling, is that what we are all so smug about. we don't do anything for money. artists don't like money. but someone has to pay the rent. someone has to be here and spend their time doing all of this.

why am i doing it? it's not for myself. i've made 25 copies of a cd and it helped pay for our tour on the road as we sold it. other than that i've given away my own work. i don't have anything to prove here. i don't think it's that big of a deal. everyone makes music or sound or art. everyone i know anyway, those tend to be the people i have some great conversations with.

the truth of the matter is that bob was there when the bathroom was a mess and we called in the emergency plumbers during turn the screws. bob knows that bill was hundreds of dollars, and he knows that we cut a personal check that day for it. the house has no checking account, the house could not have paid for that $330 bill, the house has our meager income if anything goes wrong. so even if we hadn't paid him off $400 for the water bill, and even if we hadn't given $150 to the house for the three nights of shows, he had absolutely no grounds for accusing us of a four digit figure. he knew better. he knew and he lied.

i would never have brought up any of this if my integrity was not so brutally accused. and i don't care about my personal self. i am not in this world to be famous, i am here to work, but what he did compromised the integrity of all that we had worked so hard on.

i don't want to tell people i put my own money in when shows don't have a turn out. it's embarassing. it's bad business and i don't have the extra money. we barely get by each month. but i'm not here for the money. all of this was just part of keeping this place going no matter what.

this situation has helped to clarify the world in very important ways. if this place is to continue right now it depends on me, and these other people who are committed.

the revolution seemed to be that we were doing this without any recognition or support from mainstream culture. but now i realize that the multiplicity of sub-cultures we host here are simply made up of people with fears and hopes and egos, and can manifest the same cancerous attitudes and practices of the status-quo(s) we attempt to operate outside of.

i thought we were doing something great. and we did. and we are. but i feel like the captain of the squad has turned to fire on the troops. and here i am bloody. here is the il corral full of holes at the feet of the great leader.

no corporate entity could have done this to us. we didn't get shut down by the cops. we didn't miss a rent check. the strike came from inside. never never never would have expected this.

i am sad that so much time will be wasted on this debaucle. it reeks of bad politics and campaign ad spin. but this place is not questionable, and the people who want to come here and have a good time still will.

i have learned well that no one is above reproach. i have also learned that people will smile when they have snakes in their mind. i have never learned this lesson so well as now. i am changed from this. i will not foster the mistrust he bred in this community. i am hurt from it. i wish it were different, and it was blatantly wrong and inflammatory, but what worse could happen now?

those who trust and love the il corral will continue to. those who do not will not come. and if they do come, because they can't find a show elsewhere in l.a. and they need money to put in their gas tank like every other act on tour, they will smile with snakes in their mind, and i will be fooled. and i forgive bob for putting these slithering words into the minds of so many, but the only way i can go on is to let go of him and his strange slander.

i don't know what to say. it is disgusting that all of this has been put forth into the public realm, but i feel that it is important to speak out - to say the truth - and if my small voice can reach people to let them know the real situation here, i hope that everyone can make decisions thru their own experience. if we have done wrong to you, cast us off - if we have been good to you, please be patient while we regroup.

so after the $25 i gave the house for the low turn out show there is $5 left. i have done that on many occasions...there is no justification for a $1000 slander.

if you want to help us rebuild, you are very welcome and we have $398 toward a house p.a. growing everyday. you don't have to give anything. you give enough coming here and having satisfying experiences to share. but if you want to help us get a solid p.a. for the il corral that will be owned by the il corral, you can.

to everyone regardless, i am sorry that this ever had to be in your psyches. and thank you so much to all the people who are pulling together after this unfortunate outburst.

i will work as long and hard as i can to help make this place great for you.