the aftermath and the clearing...the future...

i've never felt so betrayed in my life.

and yet now i feel so free. we don't have the looming dread of bob's mood.
the worst has happened already now.
(the worst at least to a space where music is played and relies on a sound system.)

and we have to do whatever we are going to do on our own.

...i thought he was family... ......

beyond personal hurt tho, it is all the artists that suffer, and the people who want to see them, the people already planning to come...what is to be done? why has he done this to us? it is so out of character.

i can't dwell on it, and none of us can. we can't afford to if we are to keep going forward. the details of his breakdown are not of importance right now.

first of all, there is no rush.

if we try to scrape together a p.a. for every show, we will never be able to make enough money to buy our own for the house. the fate of these upcoming shows will be dealt with tonight.

there are many ideas people have for trying to make this place sustain itself economically, and the reality is that the shows will never do that. we have to develop the space more so that it is stable enough to support shows that are not paying for themselves. either we individually have to become more wealthy, or the space has to be rented for money. the first is as likely as getting a sunburn at the bottom of the ocean, and the second will require new efforts.

the problem with what bob did was that he undermined the whole space. he even locked me out of the email and website. talk about tying someone's hands while you scream at them for not working fast enough. the great hero and friend slitting the wrist of the il corral...

perhaps i was wrong in trying to continue il corral in bob's footsteps, because now i know how human he is - he doesn't know everything, and he has faults. i knew this but now i know that he too is ruled by emotion. it has given me new insight into my own random position here. responsible for so much that i never thought of, and living such a graced life surrounded by art, i wonder if this is my purpose. i suppose as most people wonder. but this has brought great hurt and trouble that has caught me so off guard.

i know no one will ever hear me because bob's voice is much louder and carries farther, but i will still speak out, only because it is not right for him to say such things that hurt this place, regardless of stane or i.

it would not matter if it had not hurt this place. and i can only do what i can do now. and i will do whatever i can.